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long time no see

Its been a while since I've written anything down. I don’t even carry a spare notebook around anymore, that's how long it's been.

That may be a problem.

I talked about my ordeal with my mom today with someone. That story always makes me feel ragey and vulnerable afterwards. And mostly empty. The loss of things isn't as sharp as it used to be. But the lack of trust leaves me feeling like a jaded 20 something out of a bad breakup. Except that I cant move on, really. Because its my mother. The one who is supposed to take care of you. The one person you go back to when others let you down. Except no one has ever let me down quite like that. Or ripped me apart quite like that ans acted like it was something thing I did to myself.

I wish those girls would shut up. They're ruining my concentration.

One of these days I'll write a happy post.


Yeah, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

A lot has been going on lately, at least it seems that way to me. The past three months have been really busy and I've hardly had any time to myself where I wasn't completely drained.

Though I'm happy to say that I'm getting closer to my goals of becoming a costume and makeup designer. I'm taking Costume Design ( which is basically advanced costuming) and I got to be Assistant Costume Designer on the school's mainstage, Talking With.

So far it's been interesting. It started rather awkwardly, as I kind of just felt like I was in the way the whole time, and then Dark Harbor started and I began to lose hold of my responsibilities. I feel really bad about it, and I'm being extra attentive this month to make up for it.

And then of course, my costume for PMX isn't done yet. I didn't start it till yesterday, and now I only have till Thursday to complete it. *cries* I don't know if I'll make it, but I'll try my damnedest.

Today was election day, and since I voted by mail, I'm thankful for the lack of pressure. I would have forgotten which propositions I wanted to support otherwise. I hope Romney gets creamed. I hate him so much.

This morning was pretty awkward as well, because the toilet overflowed and made a huge mess, and I'm not quite sure it was my fault.

My inner pessimist is going rampant at the moment, though last night I was elated and felt useful for once. I guess I shouldn't visit old friends' blogs.

I don't really know what it means to be alive anymore. Even though my life isn't repetitive, I feel like it is anyway. This plane of reality is all to real and boring for me. Stress is not my best color.

I also keep getting overwhelmed by people around me. Sometimes they're amazing, and sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who will ever care about my feelings. And at the same time, I feel selfish for trying to protect myself all the time. If I just allowed myself to be taken advantage of, I might have some energy to focus on someone else's feelings. Even though I'm the one being hurt by their actions. Thinking about it makes my head spin.

I'll get over it eventually, I guess.
I have not had enough time to myself lately.

My inverted personality is showing
I will be stronger than I ever was before you broke me. I promise.
I really wish I had someone to help me with my blogs and ideas for a business. Doing it all by myself seems pretty daunting. It would be nice to have someone who is like minded to help me out and keep me focused.

Though I think all of these blocks that I have are mental and I need to get the fuck over them. I suppose it couldn't hurt to clean my stuff occasionally and make things happen. I need a decent photographer to work with who doesn't live far away.

There are people that I look up to that do it all by themselves, and I envy and adore them. They inspire me to keep going.

I'll get there eventually.

In My Group Of Friends I Have:

a baker ( stormy)
a model(Maili)
a comic artist(Sheika)
traditional artists/ painters (Rachel, sean)
Photographer ( yara, lori, amanda)
a Chef ( Josh)
makeup artists ( skylar, crystal, taz)
a costume person ( cathys)
actors ( angelo, michael)
techies ( sam, robert, lumi, cassie, andrew)
awesome cosplayers ( athena, hotelstucks)
a mortician ( travis)
a game reviewer ( sado)
an airman ( ernie)
an altar builder ( juan)
a soon to be shaman ( dennis)
a musician ( gabe/tristan)
a nanny ( jeanette)
guardos ( gabby, suzi, grace, ernie, andrea, )
a club owner/ dj (Raven)

So many creative people I don't even. I love them all. And this is just the quick list. <3

Things I Would Do For Money

Read and review books
plan parties
make cosplay
Make Dreads
Make Jewelry
Creative Writing
Makeup for special Occasions
Makeup for Theater
Makeup as Art
Cooking/ baking

Now if only I could get motivated to set up all of these things. And get some practice. I would be sound and secure.
Regardless, I love my life. :3


I wish people had pause buttons.
I have a lot of bad feelings associated with my mom. I love her, too. I just... get this feeling of hopelessness because I'll never live up to her expectations. She is wise in some areas, but she takes a lot for granted and she keeps herself from being happy a lot.

I miss my family. I miss having a home. I miss Mema and Papa, and I want to hang out with my father more often. I feel like I need that right now more than ever.

I want to just tell them all of my problems and know i'm supported and they just want me to be happy. I want that safety net. Too bad theyre in another state.

I am so confused right now. My emotions are creating a difficult situation for me that could change my life. I don't know if I want it to or not.

I don't know if now is the right time, or if I'm doing the right thing, and by whom I would be should I take action.

I feel like I'm wasting my time, yet i need to waste it for my own good. I don't have that young eagerness like I once did. But I'm not even that old. Only two decades.

Am I ahead of the curve? Or behind it?

Am I smart, or am I stupid?

I love my friends, and I appreciate all of them. But sometimes you just need your family. :(
It really annoys me when people refer to God in a conversation as if it were a public figure that everyone agrees upon. Its like a default word for "higher power" or whatever, but that's what the Christians call their god, and so that is what is the assumed norm. It really bugs. because it shuts out the opportunity for people with other belief systems. As if they're somehow not normal.

I am not a Christian. Christianity scares me in so many ways. The fakeness, the rules, the judgement. The divine power not having a name and acting like a spoiled 4 year old. I'm just done with Christianity being the default religion for everyone in this country. No, the US was not founded on Christian values, and no, it is not a Christian nation. There are other people out there too, whose views aren't so all-encompassing and presumptuous.

I really don't think that I should be silenced in that way in a conversation where everyone assumes I'm Christian. I don't think that I should have to proclaim that distinction, or be quietly erased because the notion of me not conforming to your belief system is detestable and sad to you. I don't think that your religion is the only truth. I don't think it has anything to do with truth. To speak of truth when discussing religion is a ridiculous feaux pas that I'd rather not be sucked into.

Yet I am, constantly, and I'm tired of it.

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January 2014



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