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Things I wish I was doing by now:

- Living in my own apartment by the beach
- Making Renaissance outfits
- Making phenomenal cosplay outfits
- traveling the world
- competing in colorguard
- getting my bachelor's at CSULB
- Learning to snowboard
- building a wardrobe that's more my style
- using Photoshop and Illustrator to make amazing art
- Have an online shop
- Having adventures
- Designing my own clothes
- Attending cons in spectacular cosplays
- Modeling
- Working as a translator
- working as a wardrobe head or costume designer
- learning about textiles
- keeping up a decent website
- Have a dynamic portfolio of art, makeup, and costumes
- Reading one book a week
- Have an exercise routine
- surfing
- learning to cook in my own kitchen
- have a kitten

If I'm not doing this in five years, I'll smack myself.
I really want to be creative. I want to do stuff that isnt common, create something that is innovative and pretty. Or even draw something cool. But no matter what I do, I never feel like I do anything different.

Or so it seems at this point. Even if I did, I have no room to put it anywhere.

It's so easy to sink into mediocrity. Its easy to sit here and do nothing. Its so weird. I used to be inspired by everything. I used to just DO things, till someone made me feel like I was useless. I still haven't gotten over my work being destroyed. I know I have to suck it up and keep going, but the problem is deep seated and hard to get to.

I find myself curbing to people's expectations of me all the time. Its crippling.

Things that are easy seem meaningless.

Things that are hard seem impossible.

I need the beach.
I want to be naked right now. :3


I really just want to go on a walk today. I want to get away from everything, and wander in the neighborhood. I want some sunlight on my face, and some solace. There is nothing more crippling than indecision. I hate the way my feelings fluctuate, so that I don't even know what they are anymore. I love you, but I am lost. I love you, but I am bored. I love you, but the pain you cause me is terrible sometimes. Yet I am content to sit with you, to feel you there, loving. I am content to wait for you. I am content to dream of you.

I just wish things weren't so confusing. I wish I knew what I should expect, and what is the best for all of us. I can't spend my life comparing and wondering how things would be different.
I need to be out there, doing things for myself. I need someone who can do that with me. But not as a sidekick, but a partner. I need someone who I can explore with, where things are new simply because we're doing it together. I want you to understand me the first time, not after half an hour of explaining myself. I don't want to have to break through a wall of disdain and preconceptions. I'm tired. I just want that simplicity of love. Why does everything have to be an argument? Why am I longing, even now, for things to change? And, having spent so much time in captivity, have I become used to it? Can I no longer fly at a moments notice? Who am I now, that I cannot even do this? I must rely on others so much that it clips my wings and I have to pretend and cut corners to please them?
And then, I wonder, will it be any different with anyone else? Or should I just live alone?
I suppose there are sacrifices at every turn, and I must be selfish for not expecting them. But how do you know where the line is? When its gone on too long, and you realize that there is no change down the road. What then? Would the break be more painful than those sacrifices? Do you save face, or ultimately carry the scorn of everyone involved afterwards, not because of your faults but the bias they inevitably hold? And what if, years from now, you see that the choice you made was the wrong one? what if you regret, and pine, and realize there's nothing to be done about it? And yet, if there is hope, but at a cost, the uncertainty will eat away at you. Should I jump ship, or keep sailing into that abyss that may or may not show sunlight?
I have no one to ask. Nobody has more answers than I can already give myself. I only have the clues. I must wait.

And I hate waiting. I should distract myself to make the wait seem shorter. But is that essentially what I've already done? There is no way to know.

I do need help. For many things, though not for this. Am I even true to myself in this state?
I need a boat of my own. I need silence. I need to reflect. I need to get away.
oh, heart. Why do you do this to me?

Nothing but ups and downs today. Worry and fretting and confusion. In a sense, it makes me feel like i'm being a good human and using all of my emotions, but its still uncomfortable. why all the uncertainty? Why is it different with this one person?

In the end, you know why. You can't quite miss what you've never had, and what you have now always seems less than what you yearn for. What if things get turned on their heads? What if life does a shuffle? Will i be ready for that?

Or will I be left in a selfish indecision that does nothing but hurt me and the ones I love?
There's too many lifetimes for this to be so damn condensed. So many ways that things can work out for the better. I want to know how we were in the past. I want to know your feelings, and not wonder if mine are pathetic. The worst is not knowing.

A Little Bit At A Time

I'm fully aware that you'd have to be insane to care enough to read this dribble. To be honest, its not really for you, is it? I'm sort of marking my psychological progress over the years, and if you want to read it with me, feel free.

Lately I've been obsessing over looking professional in everything I do. In dress, photography, stage makeup, sewing, cosplay, and pretty much everything else I occupy my time with that isn't drooling over the internet. Needless to say it's put a lot of strain on me, being as spread out in my interests as I am. I am a college student, and though I've been drawing all my life, I feel like I should have improved more over the years, instead of washing my talent away with fan art. I don't know if I have the ability to be original anymore. Nothing is inspiring. But is it really because of fan art? Or am I pushing myself too hard to be perfect? I have all these aspirations of having skills that I haven't had time to learn yet. And then I lose myself in tumblr and homestuck to forget my failures. But are they really failures? Am I expecting myself to be a master seamstress because I've hemmed a few costumes before? Should I really be comparing myself to someone who has made sewing her one and only hobby, and has the resources to shit out some amazing dress every two months?

I haven't spent as much time with myself lately. I feel like my subconscious is a friend I've been neglecting for a crush who won't even look my direction. I have all these expectations of what my skill levels should be, and I get so stressed out that I'm not meeting them that it's difficult to get any work done at all.

Someone told me last week that "The less a person knows about a particular field, the better they think they are at it." This only adds to my paranoia.

I guess I just want a physical representation of the skills i have and the time I've put into it. I spent a lot of energy to learn French and Japanese, only for it to slip from my mind like water from a cupped palm.

I don't think I started doing crafts because I liked them ( well, not the main reason), but because they were easy, and I could hypothetically sell them. And yet, it's probably because of this attitude that I've failed to produce anything on a daily basis. Crafting is a commitment as well as a hobby. It takes materials and skills that aren't to be laughed at. I don't even have anyone to help me. Parentals are good at that kind of thing, if they were ever inclined. Mine is partially estranged and doesn't have time for that sort of crap.

As for modeling? Who the hell cares if a little girl dreams of having her picture taken by professionals? Don't they all? Is it just for self esteem? Or to realize a fantasy that involves getting dressed up and being exotic for a change? That kind of a dream is just too easily taken advantage of.

I could go on, but the point is, why bother with being professional at this stage? I'm still learning a lot of things, and I shouldn't expect anything I do to be profitable. I shouldnt compare myself to others my age that have way better equipment and helpers and contacts and therefore better projects than me. Wait. :O

Is it just the age factor that's getting me all worked up? Because I'm two decades old with nothing to show for it besides a high school degree that doesn't mean jack shit? No portfolio, no practice, not proficient in anything? Can't even get a part time job because of fucking lack of experience? Possibly. I think I may have lost my ground in what I think life is about in the first place.

(at this point my laptop decided to turn itself off on me and rage ensued)
So once again I find myself making lists of things I'm good at. Maybe its because I think it will help them become a reality. But mostly I think it's to organize my thoughts and get my goals straight and in perspective, and see how they change over the years. Have I matured, or am I the same? I will find myself asking these things eventually, if not already.

Avenues of Creativity:
-sewing (coming soon)
- writing( when I get around to it)
- poetry
-modeling (maybe)

- Take all the classes I want to take in College ( i.e. Fashion, Theater, Anthro, Art, Costuming, Marine Bio,Language, etc etc. )
- open a metaphysical shop
-sell art online
- Make a portfolio for all of my categories
- be self-sufficient
- Possibly move to another country

I recently looked at the tuition for CSULB and nearly had a heart attack. That's possibly why I'm starting to think I need a new plan. Or even wonder if it's worth it to go through the American system. Its like a college education is only for rich people and those stupid enough to put themselves in debt for the rest of their lives. I may be crazy, but the whole idea seems whack to me. Dish out half a million dollars to get a piece of paper that says youre better than everyone else in a time when people with doctorates are taking jobs at McDonalds? I don't think so. My other option I guess would be to stay at a community college for like 10 years and get as many AA degrees as possible XD. Not really, but there are some certain skills I would like to acquire that I would need/like to take classes for. Not to mention meet other people with my same interests. My year and a half hanging around theater people taught me that its refreshing to step out of the comfort zone. Though I never saw myself as an actor, I didnt realize how many other jobs there were behind the scenes that didn't require memorizing pages of dialogue and stage cues. OR that it would be so satisfying. Thank you, theater people!

So now im finding my own path, even if that means im dipping my fingers into every cookie jar that catches my eye. Hopefully I can piece together something amazing and original. Or I can just dream about it for the rest of my life.

The only thing I think I will regret is the fact that my community college has no colorguard. </3 I need to start one. Does this peg me as ambitious? Do I really have what it takes to defy the definition of "success" in America? ....Want to watch me try? I want to make my life something big. Something I can be proud of. I want to say I DID something with my time here. Without selling my soul to consumerism. I don't know if I'm fooling myself to think that I can become something over the internet. How many millions of others want the same thing? If I can't even get my friends to read my online journal, what does that say about my overall appeal? Terrible, terrible things. One day, I'll wake up and this mundane yet terrifying world will be swiftly fading dream, and everything I made stories about will become the reality. Wishful thinking, but I'll add a little fairy dust. POOF.


Hey guys. I was looking online today and started thinking.

I remember when I first started liking goth culture. It was sort of well-known, but not very appreciated, which allowed it to thrive and grow without the media having its way with it. It was a poetic experience, learning to accept death and sorrow in its full instead of sweeping it under the rug. The spooky gave you a chill, and a stark smirk at the irony of being the only one in the room who truly appreciated it. It was a thrill to watch others shiver with fear at the things you knew as comforting.

I delighted in the demented, seeing little girls with knives and menacing eyes to be cute, much to the horror of my mother, who at the time was paranoid of my development.

It was a time of freedom. I was learning to conquer the fear of death. To appreciate life as well as the end of it, as well as scaring the daylights out of adults.

Though I chose my clothes carefully, I didn't feel like i was a part of mindless consumerism, merely a "look" to satisfy the endless cravings of a fashion-mad, schizophrenic industry. I didn't think much of religion in my life. It had no meaning to serve, as it kept people in chains.

Blood was sexy, the paranormal exciting, and the night was a whole new universe of possibilities. Why fear werewolves and other mythical creatures if you were one? (not that I ever believed I was, everything was a fantasy, but it was exhilarating to think of a whole hidden subculture that the masses were either oblivious to, or considered them childish fairy tales) Why not sink your mind into those depths, and find out who you truly were?

Insanity was something of a gift, because it exempted one from the rules of society. What better to challenge their ways that to completely disrupt their peace? In a society where the strange or different were shut up or locked away, looked at with disgust or just plain ignored, why not disturb them? Its not as if they cared about the poor or the sick or the old. Watch them squirm as the utopian reality that they had made up only for them was shattered in their faces by just my presence. Beautiful justice.

And so I'd skip away, happy as a clam, while they re-examined their lives.

These are a few of my favorite "gothy" things:
- vampires
- haunted houses
-spooky music
- Anything Halloween
- witches
- wolves
- Books
- Edgar Allen Poe
-Leather boots
- corpse paint ( in connection with Harlequins, not death metal, though soon the definitions would blur)
- rain

Let me talk for a minute about rain. Rain is something many of our people cherish, some for its gloomy nature, some for the fact that it made life difficult for those who took the time to complain about it, some because it is an unappreciated form of weather. To me, it was soothing, and it made me a happy sort of sleepy. It symbolized new beginnings and rejuvenation, as well as made the day dark. It was a happy treat in the Sunny State to be rained upon.

Some of these things are stereotypical of the "goth" culture. Some of them have gone out of style because of the stereotypes, but I feel that without these things, we are lost in the tides of fashion trends, to be looked at as nothing more than a blip in the popular "scene" as opposed to be legitimately considered a subgenre or subculture.

Much as Punk has been swallowed by the media and fashion industry ( tattoos and piercings are now seen in all subgenres) the goth scene is beginning to feel its styles being abused and its relevance depleted. I hope that we can somehow relive and revive the old way, but for now I must lick my wounds and try to remember when my style and habits were not taken over by consumerism and therefore rendered meaningless.

"Do you like sex?"

"The act of making love, coitus. Do you like it?"

Actually, it's an interesting subject. So many people are afraid to use the word positively in public,as if they were supposed to condemn it or not speak of it at all. Though, really, it is not as evil and ugly as people tend to make it seem. If that was the case, our species would never have grown to this size. Of course, there is a whole other subculture that is quite comfortable with it. We call them "freaks", "deviants", or "perverts". This is, of course, preposterous unless they abuse the privilege.

I don't even know why I'm talking sometimes. You probably already know this. Meanwhile, I'm paranoid about whether a spider has crawled up my pants. :O

Basically, sex is cool. Just don't be a dumbass about it. If it wasn't such a taboo subject, people would be more aware about the risks, protections, and general information about sex. Things they teach you in Health classes, but only when you get into college, when they decide that scaring you into celibacy isn't working. Children's minds are fragile and open to suggestion, they say. And as a result, they aren't allowed to experience anything real with the protection and knowledge of their elders. Instead, they do it in secret, learning from peers or feeling their way through, damn the consequences. They become deceitful, because the support and guidance is not there, and they are taught to be ashamed of their bodies, to hide them away. This is not to say that full-out pornography should be forced into the hands of children (people love to jump to conclusions). But a stronger sense of self and respect for the human body and its functions will better the situation regarding sex and personal identity. This could affect the society as a whole, bringing families together and help with maintaining fidelity in relationships, longer marriages, less divorce. This is a theory, but it did not come from complete speculation. Looking at tribal customs, we often see that adolescents are free to experiment how and when they choose, and therefore are not subject to the uncertainty and awkwardness in a relationship. the diverted focus allows them to appreciate a relationship for itself, and love a person, not merely lust after them and call it love. Many youth in 'civilized' cultures have trouble making the distinction. This creates discord in relationships and much confusion in finding a life partner. This is mostly due to the messages being mixed. This is not to say that the entirety of people fall under these circumstances, but a large number do.This also does not account for those who simply have no regard for others. However, throwing a sheet over the subject will not help. The more prepared and conscious a person is, the better decisions they are liable to make. Increase the parental and societal support, and you would see a large increase in positive thinking, proactive decisionmaking,and less 'accidents.'

Feb. 1st, 2011

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